For the most part, I don’t worry about sharks when I’m in a swimming pool.

I grew up in a seaside town, and when I was far too young, I watched JAWS on network television. Censored and sanitized for prime time, but jarring to my wee mind none-the-less. However, for some strange reason, I never affiliated JAWS with the ocean. Swimming in South Carolina, the water is murky, so it was only when I was in a swimming pool and I could see under the water that my heart would race. I’d dive down and open my eyes and see some shadow move at the end of the pool. My mind would begin spinning the notes…. DUH NUH… DUH NUH… DuhNuhDuhNuhDuhNuhduhnuhduhnuhduhnuh… and the next thing you know, my butt was up out of the water, wrapped safely in a beach towel. This went on for years, and even today, it’s the reason why I don’t wear goggles in a swimming pool. I do laps with my head sticking out of the water. Like a nut.

Mornings at the gym, I am usually, at some point or another, sharing the pool with an elderly Chinese woman who floats on a blue noodle kicking her legs and singing. Badly.

At first I liked her. She gave a Twin Peak’s vibe to the morning with her off-key humming. I learned early never to smile at her because then she looks at you like you are the crazy one.

I used to like her, until her hums stopped sounding like ancient rhymes and more like the poorly-produced soundtrack of some  B horror movie involving, umm, I don’t know…. SHARKS. I’ve tried to get my mind off of it, but everytime she comes in the pool and begins her vocal-stylings, here come the sharks. JAWS I, II and III. The Deep, Open Water. The trailer for Shark Night 3-D.

Now, I secretly loathe her.

This morning, a grumpy older gentleman jumped into the pool and when he saw her, he yelled, NO SINGING. She stared at him for a second and seemed to ask “WHAT?” with her eyes, and he lifted his two index fingers up, crossed them and held them up to his face and again snorted NO SINGING. With that, the woman sang even louder, then took her noodle and proceeded to throw it at him. Then still singing… she swam over to the side of the pool and left.

The guy was kinda a jerk, but at the same time, he got her to leave.

And with her went the sharks.

But she left behind the woman from that 70s horror film who is swimming in that indoor pool, and when she comes up for air, the top of the pool is glassed over. Drowning her.

What’s the name of that movie?

Crap.